High Horoscopes: December

My name is Maya Shaw and I am NOT your typical astrologist. In fact, I found out this summer that Capricorn is a zodiac sign. For some reason, though, after puffing on some blue dream a little while back — my fave strain — I found myself swimming into some uncharted astrological waters. And so, take it as you will, I now fancy myself an astrologist. Your astrologist!

So, let’s dive in. Here’s what’s in the hazy stars for you this month.


Oh man, you would be first. So, you know that aunt that gives you an iTunes gift card even though you’re a Spotify person and have otherwise been pirating music since Limewire days? You should get her something very personal this year so that she knows what you’re actually into. Give her the frozen pork soup dumplings from Trader Joe’s or a package of Moon Juice Beauty Dust. But, like, don’t give her your collection of empty perfume samples that you only keep to "remember the names". (You know you’re never going to buy that shit.) She’ll be grateful for the opportunity to see a new side of you.


Since you’ll be home for the holidays, reach out to that friend. You know, the one you’ve been putting off. Honestly, you have to tell them that you still have their Amy Winehouse wig from Halloween seven years ago.


I want you to know that I just took an hour to scroll through Instagram and I totally forgot what I was doing. But I’m back now and you’re a Pisces, so deck the halls. You’re in for a super zesty and festive romance this month, Pisces. No, not with your crush that’s always in front of you in line for an oat milk matcha (or the barista that makes said matcha). It’s a romance with yourself. Crazy confidence is on the horizon because you are festive as fuck. Thrive in this energy. Wear those red Rachel Comey slides to Costco. Get out. Be bold. Be you.


"Enough already!” says your inner voice after you’ve finished the Chipotle burrito bowl that you promised you wouldn’t eat this month. But don’t beat yourself up. Own it. Go get yourself another burrito bowl. It’ll make you feel better. (It always does for me.)


You’re out for a whole lot of holiday festivities this month. But with the moon right above the Atlantic Ocean and the sun a little to the left of Mars, it’s up to you to find ways to entertain yourself. Make up a few party games, but tell no one that you’re playing them. Some examples: Every time you meet someone new, try a new accent. Are you Australian? Are you from the South? Maybe just make up a completely new accent. Either way, you'll leave with a whole new group of buds or a whole new group of people who think you're hella weird. (And you are.) It’s a win-win.


Your movie for the month is "A Little Princess". If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s a must see. You will cry. And if you have seen it, you’re probably crying just reading this.


Get ready to tell Netflix that yes, you are still watching. Because you, Cancer, are glued to the couch this week. No worries about your social life, though, because you have a great couch that friends will happily join you on. Roll up, get the hot cider ready and prepare to chill.


The clock strikes midnight on January 1st and guess what? It won’t be December anymore and this monthly horoscope will be rendered null. But, the good news is that your outfit was planned on New Year’s Eve and that’s really what I want to talk about. You're usually a sparkle and shine kinda person, but this year you're dressing up a Grateful Dead tee and you're going to look just great because your comfort will sparkle—all night long.


You’ve been looking at a lot of home blogs recently for decor inspo. Start with purchasing large giraffes and flamingos so that your place can be one step closer to looking like Sky Ting Yoga. Then, sprinkle a few of those Boy Smells candles around your spot. (For you, the universe really loves Stalker.) Lastly, wear these sunglasses while you’re home. You’ll feel brand new and ready to take on Mercury's Retrograde!


Some astrologists will tell you which signs to hang out with based on stars and eclipses and other magical things that are 100 percent real. I’m going to tell you to stay away from Virgos. I don’t know why. Something rubs me the wrong way.


Uh-oh, Scorpio. You’re going to do that thing again — that thing you do where you lie and say “they're vintage” when someone asks you where you got your boots. They aren’t vintage and they’re not even available anymore, so no one is going to copy you. My advice: Just tell people where you got them.

Dear Sagittarius, I really think you should throw a themed holiday party. I’m not talking about a fucking masquerade party I’m talking about some everyone-is-the-same-height shit! Invite everyone to the party but don’t tell them there's a theme until they all arrive. Then make them all guess what the theme is. Or throw a party where the only way to move around the room is by crawling like a crab. You see where I’m going? Just promise to invite me. Thanks.

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